Wednesday, October 06, 2004

 

Infamous Monsters of Filmland

You decide: who is REALLY scary?

Face it: the so-called "Famous Monsters of Filmland" may have scared us as children, but they were mostly misunderstood creatures who weren't malicious or intentionally monstrous. Now, however, we are forced to confront real-life monsters who will truly make it difficult to get to sleep this Halloween (what with it being so close to Election Day and all).



The Monster

Jenjis John Kerry
One is an acromegalic ghoul that lumbers around, muttering incoherently, burning down villages and mindlessly massacring terrorized civilians in a manner reminiscent of Lurch. The other at least had the intelligence to finally realize "We Belong Dead." Don't pull the lever for this guy in November; you'll blow us all to atoms.



Barnabas Collins

Wes "Craven" Clark
One sucks blood. The other just sucks.



Lon Chaney

Susan Estrich
One uses wires and well-paid teams of makeup artists to maintain a mirthless grin that takes all the muscle of Charles Atlas to muster, through which well rehearsed lines can be almost convincingly uttered. The other was portrayed by Lon Chaney.



Phantom of the Opera

Wacko Jacko Chirac
One is a heartless, hideous monster who haunts the Paris Opera House — a corruption of a man — so obsessed with the crystal chandeliers and fine wine that he is blind both to the fact that his actions are resulting in the deaths of innocents and the fact that he is actually living in a sewer. The other was portrayed by Lon Chaney.



Glenn, the Colossal Beast

James "My Precious" Carville
Though he has become immense in stature, one of these former men has lost his ability to reason. He obviously can no longer see clearly, and the only emotion he can feel anymore is hate and rage at the cruel world that dealt him such a hand. The other is the innocent victim of radiation poisoning.



King Kong

Mohammed Salameh
One of these smelly, dumb brutes was a gorilla that climbed to the top of the tallest building in New York carrying a blond bombshell, and was brought down by planes. The other, who considered himself a guerilla, drove down to below the basement of the tallest building in New York with a yellow truckbomb, and planes later came and brought down the building. But Kong was the Eighth Wonder of the World, while Salameh was just a stupid poo-rag.



The Creature

Bill "Lucy Ramirez" Burkett
One of these creatures was uncovered in his native habitat in the southern reaches, where he only wanted to be left alone, and was brought into the harsh light of public awareness, where the media exploited him mercilessly for their own petty benefit, until his eventual self-destruction. The other is Bill Burkett, who is a lying sack of donkey vomit.



Masque of the Red Death

Che, the Red (Dead)
One of these doomed characters was a privileged Prince of his people, who was willing to allow peons to die so that his cloister of elites could continue satisfying their sadistic orgies of degenerate corruption. And Che was even worse.



Vampirella

Hanoi Jane "Barbarella" Fonda
One of these tramps is Jane Fonda. The other is merely a blood-sucking card-carrying member of the undead who never betrayed her country.



Imhotep

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
One of these middle eastern men has an obsession with death and the afterlife to the extent that his own life and the lives of others have no consequence. He personally kills innocent civilians without remorse, and in fact, with a certain satisfaction. The other is just the Mummy.



Werewolf of London

Al Gore of Tennessee
One of these lycanthropes grows inappropriate facial hair at unexpected times, and is known to change his personality from a reasonable, respected member of the community, to a raving lunatic who howls at the moon. The other was portrayed by Henry Hull.



The Hideous Sun Demon

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed
One of these handsome fellows spent his every waking hour dreaming up ways to kill innocent people. The other is only The Hideous Sun Demon.



Count Alucard

Ralph Nader
One of these former humans, once beloved by his own kind because he claimed to be their protector, is now reviled by all, exposed as the bloodless hellspawn he is. Though he was buried in the last century, it is apparent that he will never stay buried. The other, obviously, is just Dracula.



Son of the Fly

Muqtada Al Sadr
One of these ugly critters was born a maggot, eats poo, hovers around rotting corpses, and will someday die after crawling into a spider hole. The other is just the sad result of a transporter mishap.



Lawrence Talbot

Fidel Castro
One of these killers is pure of heart and says his prayers by night. The other is ruthless even when the wolfsbane doesn't bloom and the moon isn't full and bright.



Stephen Orlac

Noam Chomsky
One works behind a keyboard, and his hands are controlled by a murderer. The other uses a keyboard to excuse and justify murderers.



Flesh-Eating Ghoul

Bashir Al-Assad
One of these killers was dead and is now living. The other is now living and will soon be dead. Fair trade.



Generic Demon

Mohammed Atta
One of these demons has met his eternal reward for service to Allah and is spending eternity with 72 virgins. The other is one of the virgins.



Dr. Acula

Dan "Memogate" Rather
Both of these elderly gentlemen experience pain when they are dragged into the light. But at least Dracula had some class.



Mr. Hyde

Al Franken
One of these dreary, baleful ranters can at least transform, at times, into Dr. Jeckyll, an honorable and respected pillar of society. The best the other can do is transform into Stuart Smalley.



Muammar al-Quasimodo

Muammar al-Qaddafi
One of these miserable souls was born with a hunch. The other, after the capture of Saddam Hussein, has finally gotten a clue.



The Wolf Man

Richard "Shoebomber" Reid
One of these brutes aims to kill without reason or regret. The other can't help killing without reason or regret, and bathes occasionally.



Ymir the Cyclops

Howard "The Scream" Dean
Eeeeeeyah! One of these animated troglodytes survives solely on his rage, behind which is a vacuum of thought, and bellows loudly to intimidate others. Ymir the Cyclops, by contrast, was a reasonable fellow.



Anonymous Bloodsucker

Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero
One of these leeches is cheered by the deaths of innocents, and gains power from their spilled blood. Oh, and he's the Prime Minister of Spain. The other just drinks blood to survive. Are we sure that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead?



The Bride of the Monster

Hillary Clinton
One of these brides (and her mate) tried to destroy the doctor who had created them. The other bride (and her mate) tried to destroy the entire medical industry.



Pit & Pendulum Guy

Rachel "IHOP" Corrie
One of these intolerant champions of oppression threw herself into the path of a bulldozer to defend terrorist gun runners. The other tortured infidels for the Spanish Inquisition. At least you expect the Spanish Inquisition.



Abominable Dr. Phibes

Osama Bin Laden
One of these fiendish masterminds went to the Middle East to find the secret of eternal life. The other came from the Middle East to disseminate the secret of eternal death.



Dr. Cornelius

The Rev. Al Sharpton
One of these clever creatures thinks Charlton Heston is of an inferior race, and believes that his own greasy pompadour makes him look distinguished. Dr. Cornelius, on the other hand, was a compassionate being who dedicated his life to science, and who never tried to start a race war by exploiting a little girl who had smeared feces on herself.



The Reptile

Gary Condit
One of these cold-blooded half-snake/half-human creatures displayed depraved indifference to human life. The other was just a character in a movie, for heaven's sake.


Update: Ace of Spades has an even SCARIER shot, if you can believe that!

Update 2007: More monsters here

Now! Create your own Texas Air National Guard memos, just like Bill Burkett/Dan Rather! Check out my new Magnetic Forgery Kit!

 


Comments:
Funny stuff. I'm pointing to your post at http://consternations.blogspot.com/.
 
Damn -- this is brilliant. I knew some of these faces seemed oddly familiar....
 
Not bad. Billboarded at
The Owner's Manual
 
Bravo. Well done. I'm posting this on my own site with instructions to visit you more than once (you're gonna catch hell for ol' Rev'rend Al there. Oh well, screw 'em!).
 
Re: Rev Al:

Yeah, I thought somebody might take it that way, but it's really all about the pompadour. The guy's hair is simply too ridiculous to not make fun of. And if somebody wants to read things into it that aren't there, it probably says more about their assumptions than anything on my part.

Besides Rev. Al is so horrible a person that I would have rather placed him beside the Demon cover (which should appear in Part II), but that Charlton Heston reference was too hard to pass up.
 
You forgot Michael Moore.
 
Very clever comments and photo similarities.

Hillary and Carville are my favorites!
 
I'm disappointed there is no Yasser Arafat. Some have suggested he looks much like a camel.
 
Perfect, hilarious, and timely... because of the election, not Halloween. :)
 
Excellent stuff.

Have you considered Kerry / Lurch?
 
If there was ever an issue of Famous Monsters with Lurch on the cover, I would certainly opt for that. Any collectors out there have such a cover?
 
Damn straight. Funniest thing i've seen in a long time. Kudos to you.
 
Actually, the guy Mohammed Atta reminds me of is George Hennard, the guy who shot 20 people to death in Luby's cafeteria. Check out Hennard's mug shot at http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/crime/spree-killers/george-hennard/
 
And check out this mug shot of Howard Dean:
http://www.newschannel5.com/content/images/content/election_2004/howard-dean.jpg
and this one of Lee Harvey Oswald:
http://mcadams.posc.mu.edu/mugbig.jpg
Separated at birth?
 
Leave Michael Moore out of it. It'll hurt him worse to be forgotten.
 
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
Michael Moore = Jabba the Hut
 
Where's Chimp-Boy?
 
BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!! You are to be commended, VERY well done.
 
Wow, comparing Al Sharpton to an ape. Very clever, you get that idea from David Duke or Bull Connors?

You racist moron.
 
Anonymous, is it racist to compare Bush to a chimp?

Come on, it's humor.
 
George Bush is Captain America.
 
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
Sweet Gentle Jesus! That's funny...

At least you expect the Spanish Inquisition... genius! I predict 1 visitor in 70 gets it...
 
This is beautifully done. LOL!
 
you seem angry. maybe get laid? lose mamas teat. corrie and chomsky? you seem semitic. maybe get laid? lose your illusion. you love hate. sorry. cant help there ... ;--)
 
"Is it racist to compare Bush to a chimp?"

Naw the chimp don't care.
 
"Is it racist to compare Bush to a chimp?"

Naw the chimp don't care.
 
Now I can add Korla Pundit (dumb name for a blog, by the way) to my list of Really Lame Right-Wing Blogs.
 
The Spanish Inquisition has arrived...

Zapatero is the Prime Minister of Spain, not president, you moron! Spain is a monarchy! Idiot.
Otherwise quite nice.
 
Sorry, I was wrong. Your blog is great!!!!
Carville and Sharpton especially deserve ridicule.
Thanks!
 
Hey, moron, did you know that Korla is an anagram for moron? Go ahead, give it a try... No, keep rearranging the letters, you'll get it eventually... Keep doing it, I promise you'll get it... While you're figuring it out, let's dip our fingers in some maple syrup and play with a feather. Isn't this fun? Wasting our time with childish excercises just a hours before the most important election of our time?

And to think there are people who call conservatives stupid...
 
Nice. That's HILARIOUS, waiting for part 3.
 
wow ... this must have taken you, what? twenty minutes? if only you had put into this some ... um ... what are the words i'm looking for here? oh yeah, original thinking.
 
Too, too funny!
 
lemuel:

>Zapatero is the Prime Minister of Spain, not president, you moron!

I wasn't expecting a kind of Spanish Inquisition! (Thanks; correction noted.)
 
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
Anonymous pointed out:

>Hey, moron, did you know that Korla is an anagram for moron?

No, but did you know that "anonymous" is an anagram for:

"O no! My anus!"
 
Gotta admit - it's funny.

But, fair is fair - after the election, do the Bushies and the right wing pundits and spinners. I'll bet you're already halfway there with the stuff you found for this one.

Common Knowledge
 
Maybe the best blog post ever. Thanks.
 
There is NO third thing!!!
 
Hey, 12:55 anonymous, you claim he's not original, but you're basically doing Jon Stewart's schtick from Crossfire. I guess you win the golden llama for this post.
 
>after the election, do the Bushies and the right wing pundits and spinners.

I'll tell you what: if Bush wins, I will do just that. It may take a while to put it together, but I don't mind a challenge.

So if you really want to see it, make sure everybody you know votes for Bush.
 
I really have to give you props for the eerie resemblances, especially when the photo matches the pose on the cover. And a few bonus props for making so many unhappy commenters wet their beds, but not many, because that's pretty easy to do.
 
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
It couldn't be more perfect. Even the tilt of the head or look in their eyes... simply perfect.
 
Never heard of you before -- you were linked by Ace. You're now on my blogroll!
 
Never mind about the racism and all. I'm just wondering if this was meant to be funny or not?
 
Funny, nobody is whining about comparing Salameh to King Kong and calling that racism.

Personally, I thought all of these were hilarious.
 
that's some funny material. a tried and tested chestnut, timely execution.
i also wonder where is monsieur moore.

carry on.
 
Quite funny even if we would agree in little otherwise ("The other is one of the virgins." Brilliant.).

An observation : Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. His spirit is alive in Mr. Aznar's Partido Popular which is still packed with ex-falangist proto-fascists. Thanks to his own retardedness no longer in power.

Recomendation : Ariel Sharon in all respects is a fit candidate to the club. Hint.Handsome Frankie
 
FIrst of all, let's see how long this post stays up before it gets censored. Seriously, the "only posts from people who agree" thing is stupid. All the lefty blogs leave up comments from people who disagree.

But my real point was, were any of the people here upset when liberals were comparing Bush to Hitler? Putting patriotic Americans up next to some truly evil people (like Castro, Quadaffi, and the terrorists) is really beyond the pale. The closemindedness of thinking all people who disagree with you are evil, and need to be censored, is what is UNAMERICAN!

And the failure to be able (or willing) to listen to criticism is what has led Bush astray in a very just war in Iraq. Discussion and argument will lead us to a better America. It has worked for 220 years...
 
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! We have three major weapons! Fear! Surprise! Torture! And an almost fanatical devotion to condescendingly bloviating about a simple exercise in parody! Four! Four major weapons! I'll come in again . . .
 
"Putting patriotic Americans up next to some truly evil people (like Castro, Quadaffi, and the terrorists) is really beyond the pale."

I'm a Bush voter, and I really don't like Kerry, Nader, Franken, etc, but I agree with the above comment. Leftists are mistaken, but they are not evil, or the enemy. Implicitly including them in the same category as terrorists and Communists is the kind of demonizing you see all the time on democraticunderground.com. It would have been funny without the sour taste had you picked one category or the other and just done that.
 
Best Poll for undecided voters;

Since 1956, Weekly Reader students in grades 1-12 have correctly picked the presidenthttp://www.weeklyreader.com/election_vote.asp

Weekly Reader kids select Bush in Presidential Poll

The students who read Weekly Reader’s magazines have made their preference for President known: they want to send President Bush back to the White House.

The results of this year’s Weekly Reader poll have just been announced, and the winner is President Bush. Hundreds of thousands of students participated, giving the Republican President more than 60% of the votes cast and making him a decisive choice over Democratic Senator John Kerry.

Since 1956, Weekly Reader students in grades 1-12 have correctly picked the president, making the Weekly Reader poll one of the most accurate predictors of presidential outcomes in history.
 
>Leftists are mistaken, but they are not evil, or the enemy. Implicitly including them in the same category as terrorists and Communists is the kind of demonizing you see all the time on democraticunderground.com.

I do get your point. But first of all, I am comparing all the above to movie monsters. I not comparing them to eachother, or equating liberal pundits with mass murdering terrorists. The whole Bush=Hitler thing was not something I would ever emulate.

Second, there is a reason such people as Al Gore and Dan Rather are being parodied in the same table as Fidel Castro and Mohammed Atta. They are all personalities that are championed, supported or excused by the extreme "left." The Michael Moores and Ted Ralls and Guardians of the world are as quick to make the United States the villain in its battle against Bin Laden as they are to support Kerry or to quote Chomsky.

To these people it's all good. If it is something that slows the war on terror, or sabotages Bush in some way, then all other considerations are irrelevant. And so, for this page, I do not draw lines based on how horrible a monster they are. It is based on whether or not, in a yes or no context, they believe America is too powerful and culturally influential, and should be taken down a notch.

Third, it's mostly just a joke, and giving relatively harmless commentators like Estrich the same treatment as Khalid Shaikh Mohammed is so obviously over the top that it's part of what makes it funny.

And just to be fair, I am going to hold to my pledge that if Bush won, I would give rightwingers, pro-war pundits, Republicans and coalition allies the same treatment. It will take a while, but check back now and then. After all, you guys came through on your end.
 
This is great. Thanks!
 
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
I loved Famous Monsters as a kid and recognize many of these covers.
Funny as hell!
 
haha very funny, and well thought out. Where did you get those pictures from?
 
Oh, here and there. Google helps.
 
Dear administrator:

Some of our comments above may include links that are no longer valid or that do not have a nofollow value. They might very well lead you today to a third party. Therefore,
I ask you, if you would be so kind, to please delete or disregard those
comments.

Many thanks and best wishes,

Iza, Roberto Iza

Muy Señores Míos:

Algunos de nuestros comentarios incluyen vínculos rotos que bien pudieran llevar hoy a una tercera persona. Por tanto, le rogamos, por favor, que los deseche o desestime.

Gracias y recuerdos

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