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Friday, October 29, 2004


Infamous Monsters of Flimflam II: The Sequel

This Time, It's Personal!

That scary day, Election Day, is upon us again, and as we all know, it is the day when the veil between the world of the living and the realm of the dead is at its thinnest. Ghoulish senators can conjure up ghosts of a heroic past that never existed! Pony-boy candidates can channel dead fetuses, make the lame walk and the blind see! Ballots can mysteriously disappear, or materialize out of nowhere! And the dead can walk the earth again and vote, especially if they vote Democrat!

I have updated the Infamous Monsters series. There was going to be one huge sudden deluge of a spectacular sequel, but time is very short for such a draining undertaking. So instead, I will be adding incrementally to the original post.

So feast your eyes, glut your soul on the face of pure evil, and shudder. And pray that this day of fright will pass without these monsters claiming your very vote.

Saturday, October 23, 2004


Kerry's Fantasy World

When John Kerry said "We have to get back to the place we were," where terrorism is considered a nuisance, he revealed the immense temptation we all feel from time to time to pretend that none of this is really happening. We can convince ourselves that It´s a war George Bush concocted at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, as Ted Kennedy claimed. We can believe the mantra that we were safer, much safer, on September 10, 2001, than we are today. We can delude ourselves that if we just get rid of the "Resident" that the world will love us (like they always did) and Al Qaeda will stop attacking us.

The sane among us know this is idle fantasy. We were not safe before Black Tuesday. We were at war. It wasn't a nuisance. It was total war. War to the death. Only we didn't know it yet. We believed we were in that safe secure world where terrorism was at an "acceptable" level, because it only happened "over there." You know: to "those" people.

Let's all go back to when it was somebody else's problem. The days when stability was preferred over chaos. Saddam was preferred over some imaginary worse government that could arise if he were killed, and certainly preferable to the chaotic Iranian revolution next door. Nothing is more stable than absolute oppression. And if he committed genocide and used chemical weapons, hey, those people should rise up themselves. It's not our problem. This is the belief structure Kerry is still stuck in.

Bush has become the first President to finally announce that the days of accepting ruthless dictators as allies are numbered, and for more than moral reasons. First, the more ruthless our friendly dictators were, the more violent their eventual demise, and the more vitriolic the reign of terror that took their place. It is better for us to be on the "depose and reform" end of the equation, so we could guide the new regime toward consitutional democracy and tolerance.

Second, the dictators just aren't doing the job previous Administrations expected of them, which is keeping an iron thumb on violent radicals. And in fact, tyrants now tend to realize that to maintain their mini-Reichs, they can cater to the terrorist elements, and encourage the growth of anti-modernity movements, and point it at the west and the Jews. Their claim is that "It's us against them. I'm not your enemy. Keep me in power, and I'll harbor your jihad against those evil Americans." For Saudi Arabia, this tactic is already backfiring on them.

As Bush said, ""Oppression became common, but stability never arrived. We must take a different approach."

And so the time of the tyrants is past its expiration date. And thus, our role in the world must now be that of a Johnny Appleseed of democracy. For our own sake if not for the benefit of oppressed people in the crapholes of the world.

Kerry's Democrats and socialists around the world don't want to see this reality, because they wanted the same story to come true, but with the spreading of SOCIALISM! They are despondent that democracy is being spread around the globe, when before the hammer and sickle were being unfurled over devastated third world countries. This was their fantasy, and we're stealing it!

The Dems want to go backwards, to those wonderful days of Jimmy Carter, when there was still a Soviet Union invading Afghanistan, still United States embassy workers held hostage in Iran, still communists in Central America. And they want to go back to the policies we devised to deal with it all: boycotting the Olympics and being depressed.

So Kerry keeps saying he has "A Plan." In Kerry's fantasy world, he has a plan to get US troops out of Iraq by getting our allies to join with us and eventually replace our soldiers in the war zones. But in the real world, he can't stop himself from insulting the sacrifice of those who have joined us in combatting tyranny and terrorism, by calling them "bribed and coerced," and mocking the notion that they make up a "real" coalition. He also doesn't hesitate to belittle the role of the new Iraqi military, despite growing dedication and nationalism.

And in the real world, France and Germany have clearly reiterated that they will never, ever join us in Iraq. It should be obvious to anybody now that we never would have gotten the corrupt French and Russians and Chinese and UN officials to enforce the sanctions. We would never have gotten our forces out of Saudi Arabia, never would have maintained the sanctions, would still be getting shot at by Saddam over the no-fly zones. But in Kerry's mind, all of the revealed bribes and kickbacks would be forgotten, and the truth we now know would no longer be true.

So where does that leave Kerry's "plan"?

His other "ideas" were the things that George Bush has already had under way for months now. Things that will be completed by Inauguration Day. The training, the Iraqi election, the takedown of Fallujah. So the only plan Kerry has for Iraq is what he's doing now: sabotaging our efforts at coalition-building, making the Iraqi people doubt our commitment, and emboldening Al Qaeda to strike us harder in an attempt to sway our own election.

Here's the Kerry plan the way it looks from our side of the looking glass: (1) insult our allies and drive them from our side; (2) reward French and Russian treachery by awarding them Iraqi contracts and worse, a hand in forming the new Iraqi government (brrrr!); (3) demoralize our troops by telling them it is a "wrong war"; (4) destroy American credibility by not standing by our commitments and making it obvious we are looking for any excuse to pull out; (5) send a clear message to the terrorists that if they strike us badly, we will have to leave; (6) follow through at the next car bombing, and pull troops out; (7) abandon Allawi (who Kerry calls a puppet, to the glee of Al Jazeera), and watch from afar as he is killed; (8) blame Bush when Iraq collapses into a civil war which kills millions, finally resulting in a Taliban fortress.

Great plan. And it would work, too. The problem is that to Kerry, this would be an acceptable scenario, as long as it wasn't Americans doing the killing, and if it resulted in a simmering stability. Finally all that nasty chaos of a burgeoning democracy would be gone, and the soothing calm of a theocratic dictatorship would take its place. Ahhhh.

And we wouldn't hear the screams from the rape rooms and the children's prisons and the plastic shredders. Not from here. And it would be at least a few months before the screams started again on the streets of New York.

But that's just a nuisance.

Thursday, October 14, 2004


Criswell Predicts

To further mock the death of Superman, John Edwards has dropped the "S" from his name, and has transmogrified into John Edward. He is known from his trials to have channeled the dead. In fact, he has channeled an unborn fetus in front of a jury. I don't know if this tactic worked, but it probably did or he wouldn't be doing it.

I suppose that means he has first-hand evidence that cognitive life begins before birth. And I guess he knows better than anybody that the unborn support abortion. Maybe he can print up T-Shirts that proudly proclaim "I Was An Abortion." What amazingly clairvoyant testimony!

He is now making predictions, in the tradition of Criswell, of medical miracles that will transpire if only you would vote for Kerry:

"When John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going [to] get up out of that wheelchair and walk again."

Now, I admired Mr. Reeve for many years. I thought he was underrated as an actor specifically because he portrayed Superman so perfectly. Heck, Superman was supposed to be a somewhat wooden boy-scout character. C'mon, just the fact that he could utter a line like "truth, justice and the American Way," without mugging with a smug wink at the camera, showed that he was a professional, and took the role seriously.

His Clark Kent acting was a lot more of a challenge, in that he had to pretend to be a superhuman pretending to be meek, and without betraying either personality. And he was able to convey Superman's one vulnerability (well, beyond kryptonite), which was his sympathy for us fragile mortals.

I was horrified when Reeve was nearly killed. He was not expected to survive. But he not only survived, but overcame his cruel fate. No, he never walked again. But he never gave up hope. And he didn't crawl into a spiderhole and whine about how it was somebody's fault. And I was sad to hear he had died.

His determination to walk again was so obvious and powerful that it was contagious. I actually believed that with such a steadfast, single-minded drive pushing the effort, I just might live to see spinal cord injuries conquered. I still believe it will happen in my lifetime.

See, Christopher Reeve was an optimist. And he was a leader in this chosen struggle. A leader has to be an optimist. You have to believe in what you are doing if you want others to follow your guidance.

That's why it is so cynical and disgusting for Kerry and Edwards to latch onto this embryonic stem-cell research bandwagon, and to make the most outrageous promises that they will heal the sick, make the lame walk, make the deaf hear, make the blind see, and all without raising taxes. All thanks to the magic of embryonic stem cells, which have no guarantee that they will ever cure anything. Sure, the potential is enormous, but it is junk science to proclaim that this is the fountain of youth.

And they are promoting this as "magic." They are selling it like snake oil. They have stooped to exploiting the hopes and dreams of the most desperate among us. And they drag out cripples like Max Cleland in their Freak Show of the Damned to somehow accuse Bush of ignoring their pleas, and even of causing these problems. They come right out and say that it's Bush's fault that they have not been cured yet. It's all because Bush "banned" stem-cell research.

Well Bush did not ban anything. His is the first Administration to fund such research. He decided to allow funds for research on the lines that had already been extracted, because it would not undo the destruction of life to have these lines go into the waste bin. It was a non-extremist position. And despite what you believe in terms of embryos, there is such a thing as scientific ethics. It is not about religion. It's about not allowing the abandonment of morals and responsibility regarding decisions of life and death. John Kerry should know this by now. I'm sure he's read Frankenstein.

Of course scientists will come out proclaiming embryonic stem-cells hold the key to eternal youth and an end to death. They are the ones who want to do the research, and some of them are not ethical, so they promise the moon. But if we give scientists free reign to do what they will, you will end up with Dr. Josef Mengele doing experiments on undesirables. When we start treating science as religion, and thinking "well, if it's for science, the end justifies the means," then you begin to lose your humanity.

But Kerry and Edwards, though they like to talk about how "Bush doesn't understand nuance," they are painting this as "the President vs. Science." And science is always a good thing, right? Aren't morals and ethics outdated now in the age of cloning?

Should we start implanting chips in people so we can track them day and night? Should we develop a mind-reading machine to make sure we don't think wrong thoughts or to interrogate our memories? Well, why not? It's for science, after all.

Oh, that's right: ethics. Not religion. Ethics.

Something Kerry doesn't have. Something the Democratic Party has abandoned as baggage that inhibits their agenda. It's a very Soviet concept. That's why hacks like Dan Rather can think they way they do: that it's okay to lie and fabricate things if it reveals "a greater truth." It's how John Kerry could calculatedly go before Congress and call his fellow soldiers baby killers and marauders. It's how Ted Kennedy could drive some girl off a bridge and flee the scene, without reporting the event for 10 hours. It's how Jimmy Carter could go abroad when we are trying to gather a coalition to join us against Saddam, and tell them that they should oppose us. A former President! And worse, to then come back and accuse Bush of not putting together a coalition.

It's how France and Russia and China and George Galloway and Kofi Annan and all the other cold-blooded conspirators to genocide could take Saddam's blood money, and look us in the eye and tell us that the war in Iraq was "illegal," and that we should "give the inspectors more time. No morals. No ethics. Lots of religion, but no morals.

And with all their promises of healing the sick, if only you vote for Kerry, their promises are epoxied to a gloomy anchor of hopelessness and pessimism.

The Democrats are pessimists. No, more than that, they are nihilists. They welcome destruction. They want to be punished. Rather, they want this country to be punished. They think America is the problem. They would rather be accepted by their snooty European friends at dinner parties than to allow America to go on being the success story of the world that it is. John Kerry would rather be a Grima Wormtongue or a Renfield in the court of some European Count than to be the leader of the free world, because he has contempt for what this country stands for: the power of the individual.

Christopher Reeve was a leader because of his optimistic determination. Johns Kerry and Edwards can never lead, because they are defeatists. And Reeve was a man. Kerry and his young ward are not.

Because of events since Edwards' empty promises, his words above now have an unintentional double meaning that I actually hope prove prophetic: When John Kerry becomes President, the dead will walk again.

And you'll believe pigs can fly.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


The Sincerest Form of Flattery

My jaw hit the pavement when I saw the cover of today's New York Observer. Compare and contrast with this post.

Was Drew Friedman inspired by Korla Pundit?! Or do evil men just think alike?

Wednesday, October 06, 2004


Infamous Monsters of Filmland

You decide: who is REALLY scary?

Face it: the so-called "Famous Monsters of Filmland" may have scared us as children, but they were mostly misunderstood creatures who weren't malicious or intentionally monstrous. Now, however, we are forced to confront real-life monsters who will truly make it difficult to get to sleep this Halloween (what with it being so close to Election Day and all).

The Monster

Jenjis John Kerry
One is an acromegalic ghoul that lumbers around, muttering incoherently, burning down villages and mindlessly massacring terrorized civilians in a manner reminiscent of Lurch. The other at least had the intelligence to finally realize "We Belong Dead." Don't pull the lever for this guy in November; you'll blow us all to atoms.

Barnabas Collins

Wes "Craven" Clark
One sucks blood. The other just sucks.

Lon Chaney

Susan Estrich
One uses wires and well-paid teams of makeup artists to maintain a mirthless grin that takes all the muscle of Charles Atlas to muster, through which well rehearsed lines can be almost convincingly uttered. The other was portrayed by Lon Chaney.

Phantom of the Opera

Wacko Jacko Chirac
One is a heartless, hideous monster who haunts the Paris Opera House — a corruption of a man — so obsessed with the crystal chandeliers and fine wine that he is blind both to the fact that his actions are resulting in the deaths of innocents and the fact that he is actually living in a sewer. The other was portrayed by Lon Chaney.

Glenn, the Colossal Beast

James "My Precious" Carville
Though he has become immense in stature, one of these former men has lost his ability to reason. He obviously can no longer see clearly, and the only emotion he can feel anymore is hate and rage at the cruel world that dealt him such a hand. The other is the innocent victim of radiation poisoning.

King Kong

Mohammed Salameh
One of these smelly, dumb brutes was a gorilla that climbed to the top of the tallest building in New York carrying a blond bombshell, and was brought down by planes. The other, who considered himself a guerilla, drove down to below the basement of the tallest building in New York with a yellow truckbomb, and planes later came and brought down the building. But Kong was the Eighth Wonder of the World, while Salameh was just a stupid poo-rag.

The Creature

Bill "Lucy Ramirez" Burkett
One of these creatures was uncovered in his native habitat in the southern reaches, where he only wanted to be left alone, and was brought into the harsh light of public awareness, where the media exploited him mercilessly for their own petty benefit, until his eventual self-destruction. The other is Bill Burkett, who is a lying sack of donkey vomit.

Masque of the Red Death

Che, the Red (Dead)
One of these doomed characters was a privileged Prince of his people, who was willing to allow peons to die so that his cloister of elites could continue satisfying their sadistic orgies of degenerate corruption. And Che was even worse.


Hanoi Jane "Barbarella" Fonda
One of these tramps is Jane Fonda. The other is merely a blood-sucking card-carrying member of the undead who never betrayed her country.


Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
One of these middle eastern men has an obsession with death and the afterlife to the extent that his own life and the lives of others have no consequence. He personally kills innocent civilians without remorse, and in fact, with a certain satisfaction. The other is just the Mummy.

Werewolf of London

Al Gore of Tennessee
One of these lycanthropes grows inappropriate facial hair at unexpected times, and is known to change his personality from a reasonable, respected member of the community, to a raving lunatic who howls at the moon. The other was portrayed by Henry Hull.

The Hideous Sun Demon

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed
One of these handsome fellows spent his every waking hour dreaming up ways to kill innocent people. The other is only The Hideous Sun Demon.

Count Alucard

Ralph Nader
One of these former humans, once beloved by his own kind because he claimed to be their protector, is now reviled by all, exposed as the bloodless hellspawn he is. Though he was buried in the last century, it is apparent that he will never stay buried. The other, obviously, is just Dracula.

Son of the Fly

Muqtada Al Sadr
One of these ugly critters was born a maggot, eats poo, hovers around rotting corpses, and will someday die after crawling into a spider hole. The other is just the sad result of a transporter mishap.

Lawrence Talbot

Fidel Castro
One of these killers is pure of heart and says his prayers by night. The other is ruthless even when the wolfsbane doesn't bloom and the moon isn't full and bright.

Stephen Orlac

Noam Chomsky
One works behind a keyboard, and his hands are controlled by a murderer. The other uses a keyboard to excuse and justify murderers.

Flesh-Eating Ghoul

Bashir Al-Assad
One of these killers was dead and is now living. The other is now living and will soon be dead. Fair trade.

Generic Demon

Mohammed Atta
One of these demons has met his eternal reward for service to Allah and is spending eternity with 72 virgins. The other is one of the virgins.

Dr. Acula

Dan "Memogate" Rather
Both of these elderly gentlemen experience pain when they are dragged into the light. But at least Dracula had some class.

Mr. Hyde

Al Franken
One of these dreary, baleful ranters can at least transform, at times, into Dr. Jeckyll, an honorable and respected pillar of society. The best the other can do is transform into Stuart Smalley.

Muammar al-Quasimodo

Muammar al-Qaddafi
One of these miserable souls was born with a hunch. The other, after the capture of Saddam Hussein, has finally gotten a clue.

The Wolf Man

Richard "Shoebomber" Reid
One of these brutes aims to kill without reason or regret. The other can't help killing without reason or regret, and bathes occasionally.

Ymir the Cyclops

Howard "The Scream" Dean
Eeeeeeyah! One of these animated troglodytes survives solely on his rage, behind which is a vacuum of thought, and bellows loudly to intimidate others. Ymir the Cyclops, by contrast, was a reasonable fellow.

Anonymous Bloodsucker

Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero
One of these leeches is cheered by the deaths of innocents, and gains power from their spilled blood. Oh, and he's the Prime Minister of Spain. The other just drinks blood to survive. Are we sure that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead?

The Bride of the Monster

Hillary Clinton
One of these brides (and her mate) tried to destroy the doctor who had created them. The other bride (and her mate) tried to destroy the entire medical industry.

Pit & Pendulum Guy

Rachel "IHOP" Corrie
One of these intolerant champions of oppression threw herself into the path of a bulldozer to defend terrorist gun runners. The other tortured infidels for the Spanish Inquisition. At least you expect the Spanish Inquisition.

Abominable Dr. Phibes

Osama Bin Laden
One of these fiendish masterminds went to the Middle East to find the secret of eternal life. The other came from the Middle East to disseminate the secret of eternal death.

Dr. Cornelius

The Rev. Al Sharpton
One of these clever creatures thinks Charlton Heston is of an inferior race, and believes that his own greasy pompadour makes him look distinguished. Dr. Cornelius, on the other hand, was a compassionate being who dedicated his life to science, and who never tried to start a race war by exploiting a little girl who had smeared feces on herself.

The Reptile

Gary Condit
One of these cold-blooded half-snake/half-human creatures displayed depraved indifference to human life. The other was just a character in a movie, for heaven's sake.

Update: Ace of Spades has an even SCARIER shot, if you can believe that!

Now! Create your own Texas Air National Guard memos, just like Bill Burkett/Dan Rather! Check out my new Magnetic Forgery Kit!


Sunday, October 03, 2004


Here Kitty! Nice Kitty!

It has been a long, frustrating experience to hear for months now reports of "insurgents" being in control of "no-go zones," and to have Marines pull back from destroying the obviously outgunned and outclassed terrorist slime balls who inhabit mosques and cemeteries, from which they launch their attacks on women and children. How brave.

But I have always understood why we have left these pockets of "resistance" up until now. These isolated (and they are nicely isolated into tiny organized compartments) bands of pirates and jihadis are a necessary resource in establishing a credible Iraqi security and military force that can defend Iraq on its own.

Without giving an Iraqi army and police real-life battle experience, and a sense of duty in defending even against other Iraqis, we would never be able to leave. We would always have to defend them, get killed in the process, and in place of gratitude, there would only be resentment for our presence.

So consider, if you will, a comparison between these two articles:,2933,134308,00.html

Some 5,000 troops — 2,000 Iraqis and 3,000 Americans — swept into Samarra early Friday, seizing major government installations. A day later, they declared the city largely under their control.

Maj. Gen. John Batiste, commander of the 1st Infantry Division, which spearheaded the assault, praised the performance of Iraqi troops.

Building a strong Iraqi force that can take over security from American troops is a cornerstone of the U.S. strategy to restore peace in Iraq. But during April offenses in Fallujah and Najaf, the fledgling Iraqi troops melted away at the first sign of confrontation, either fleeing or joining the insurgents.

"The more operations they conduct, the more confidence they will gain, and the better they will perform," said Maj. Neal E. O'Brian, a military spokesman who was in Samarra Saturday.

U.S. forces are to conduct mopping up operations for at least the next few days before handing over primary responsibility to Iraqi police and National Guard units.

Understanding Your Cats Predatory Nature and Behavior

The mother cat teaches her kittens to kill to eat. Her first lesson consists of bringing home dead prey and consuming it in front of the kittens. Soon they learn to join in. At the end of this stage, she brings the dead prey home and leaves it for the kittens to eat on their own. Cats will not only do this for their own litter, but for another cat's kittens as well. Many cats (especially spayed females) will provide this lesson to their human owners. Thus, bringing home dead prey and dropping it at our feet.

The second lesson is bringing home partially dead prey and finishing off the kill in front of the kittens. The kittens are then allowed to practice their skills and learn to kill the wounded, slow-moving prey themselves. Gradually more prey is brought home until the kittens become skilled at catching and killing them. Finally the kittens accompany the mother and learn to hunt and kill completely on their own.

Why do cats often appear to torture or play with their catch before killing it? There are several theories. One theory is that these cats lack confidence. They may still be wary of their prey which if not killed quickly can fight and bite back. Another theory is that domestic cats who live in a relatively rodent-free environment lack the opportunity to catch real live prey. When they finally do catch a mouse, they want to prolong the "great" event as much as possible.

And so now we are at lesson three ("the kittens accompany the mother and learn to hunt and kill completely on their own"). The kittens are learning fast, despite the cries from our disloyal opposition. I know we can't come out and admit that these terrorists have been left alive intentionally. I know Bush has to take a lot of flak because of the continued "disorder" in Iraq. But the long-term results will be an Iraq able to defend itself, and a defeat for terrorism.

Saturday, October 02, 2004


CBS News Exclusive:
Rosebud Not a Sled!


World's Shortest Debate

I'll do us all a favor, and condense Dick Cheney's upcoming debate with Lionel Hutz down to this:

I think that says everything worth saying.

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