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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

 

What's Vanna Wearing?
(Hint: Not a Burka!)

God bless Pat Sajak for being the first in the entertainment community to wonder where the outrage is when it's most appropriate:

Perhaps they are afraid that their protests would put them in danger. That, at least, is a defensible position. If I were Michael Moore, I would much rather rail against George W. Bush, who is much less likely to have me killed, than van Gogh’s murderer and the threat to creative freedom he brings. Besides, a man of Moore’s size would provide a great deal of "bulletin board" space.

I think I know the answer, Pat!

I want to buy a vowel!


Saturday, November 27, 2004

 

Barnes Storming

The EtherPundit at EtherHouse laments:

I used to love browsing the neighborhood Barnes & Noble, but I had to give it up; it started to feel like crawling through no-man's land, blasted from all sides. Instead, I gave a couple thousand dollars' worth of business to Amazon.

The question is: what was the driving force behind this booming barrage of Bush-bashing Barnes books? Was it market-driven, targeting bastions of red-diaper babies, who buy such propaganda like addicts? Or is it Barnes and Noble management pushing their own political agenda, and if so, is it local management or somebody at the top?

My own guess is that it's a bit of both. I think Barnes and Noble is very partial to ex-hippie or left-leaning enclaves when they're choosing where to build their stores to begin with. But I also have the impression that the company is headed by a bunch of literary Bens & Jerrys who believe that everybody is just as anti-Bush as they are, so of course that's the kind of book everybody will want to buy. It is market-driven bias, but based on the delusion of personal bias.

Since November 2, now that "the hurly-burly's done, when the battle's lost and won," the anti-Bush tidal wave seems to have abated. But just before the election, what made me stop going to Barnes finally was the New Books section, featuring every book Michael Moore had ever grunted out, regardless of how "new" they were.

I was surprised they didn't actually start selling these.


Wednesday, November 24, 2004

 

My Fake Turkey Policy

Sure, it's plastic. But it's certainly lo-carb.

And at least it's not Tofurkey, truly one of the most atrocious food substitutes on the planet. Come on, vegetarians! If you don't want to eat turkey, there's an easy solution: don't eat turkey. Why do you feel the need to look like you're eating turkey? Not that Tofurkey even looks like food at all.

You're not fooling anybody, and you're cheating yourself out of eating something that's actually delicious and nutritious, such as fish or mollusks, or rice and beans if you're vegan, or even, you know: tofu. But why not prepare it as, for example, age dofu, which is one of God's gifts to mankind?

People are simply too quick around the holidays to embrace the fake, to look like they are partaking of some beloved tradition, when in their hearts they know none of it is real. Like Kwanzaa. Here's a "holiday" invented in California in 1966 to help promote collective politics. But you're not allowed to acknowledge that it was invented 36 years ago in America. The whole thing is based on a lie. But it's a feel-good kind of lie, and isn't that the greatest truth of all?

<simpsons>The answer is no.</simpsons>

It's a sad part of our history that descendants of slaves can't accurately trace their lineage to any specific country in Africa, which means there are a lot of blacks in America who don't know what cultural history was stolen from them. It is lost to history. Even without slavery mucking things up, this would still have been the case, because with such a long timeframe, the family tree of any American, including all races, would extend into any number of countries. There is no cohesive "culture" of Africa, any more than there is one for Europeans or Asians.

We have been here together too long for this kind of divide. The bond between people from divergent backgrounds is much more relevant and a lot stronger than any DNA string you can tie to distant nations that don't even exist anymore. I know the notion of the melting pot is a bit out of fashion. But it is America's strength. We absorb the best of all the cultures that people bring with them, and that becomes American culture. Our culture is not just a rehashed import. It is a unique kettle of musical, literary, poetic, linguistic, historical, religious, scientific and artistic alchemy.

It's why we have such a thing as a pizza bagel.

This is why it is folly to embrace such fake "ethnic" holidays as Kwanzaa or Saint Patrick's Day. Sure, my name has an apostrophe in it. Yes, my great grandmother literally used to hit the floor with a shillelagh. But I don't have any Irish culture in me, although I appreciate real Irish culture, which has very little to do with leprechauns and four-leaf clover. It has lots to do with Guinness and hospitality and family and church.

I'm confused by people who say they're "Irish for a Day," and drink green beer and order corned beef and cabbage for "St. Paddy's Day." Both are American inventions. Corned beef and cabbage only began to be served in Ireland a few years ago when American tourists wondered why it wasn't on any menus. But why do they want to present themselves as Irish?

"Kiss Me, I'm Irish"? No, instead, how about "Kiss My Ass, I'm An American"? I'm more proud of my great grandparents for coming to America than for where they came from.

Thanksgiving is perhaps the most uniquely American holiday. Despite the awkward possibility of having no deity to thank, it is even a day for atheists to remember how lucky we are to live in America. It is a holiday about appreciating our enormous bounty, and I don't mean stuffing our faces with pie. We need to remember what makes us different from those across the waves who don't get it. Those who didn't want to leave the monarchies and dictatorships of Europe and Asia. Those who don't understand the American ethic of the value of the individual.

What differentiates us is the idea that any one of us can achieve great things here, and the easy-to-mock notion that we are in this together, despite our disagreements. Even a foreigner who couldn't speak English came here, worked hard and rose to the rank of international superstar and Governor of California. Some people even want to change the Constitution to accommodate his chances for being President. This is the real reason other countries hate us: we "don't know our place."

It's us against the world. It always has been. But that has been the key to our success, because those who are hated by the world come to America. And they make America stronger and better.

I understand the need to not feel left out when everybody else is celebrating Christmas. But why not just celebrate Christmas? It isn't a racial holiday. It isn't even truly a Christian holiday. It was originally a Pagan holiday. The way most of us celebrate it today, it's an unmistakably American holiday.

It was basically a Pagan celebration that the Pope decided had to go, and so it was designated as a celebration of Christ's birth. Of course, it's quite well documented that Christ was not born in December. So if you want to embrace a fake holiday, why not stick to the fake holiday most Americans already celebrate? Do you really think hanging lights on a tree and posing a plastic Santa on the roof and filling stockings by the fireplace with trinkets has anything whatsoever to do with ancient tradition? Humbug!

That's why it's funny when people say "Put Christ back in Christmas." Christ was never in Christmas to begin with. I have heard sermons in church where the priest denounced Santa Claus, basically branding him as a thinly disguised Satan. The crazier ones think it's actually a sin to dress up a tree with tinsel and lights. They have convinced themselves that Pagans and Satanists have hijacked Jesus' birthday, and fail to see the irony.

American Christmas is about having fun and giving each other gifts, and getting the economy going, and reminding ourselves to be charitable, and listening to Bing Crosby CDs, and eating roasted chestnuts, and watching crappy Rankin-Bass puppet shows, and drinking a toast or two, and relaxing with family members we might never otherwise see. I don't mean to sound cynical. I love Christmas. It's a good holiday, and it makes people feel good. It's also a time when children are allowed to believe in magic, and I remember what that felt like. So why would you want to exclude yourself from it?

Be a part of American tradition by being honest with who you are. Assimilate, but don't conform. Celebrate the feast, but bring whatever dish you want to share to the table.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!


 

This Prez Got Game!

Wow! Who needs Ah-nold? We already have an action hero President.

This should prove that this guy means what he says about resolving global conflicts.


Sunday, November 14, 2004

 

The Girth of a Nation

The most successful propagandist in world history has gotten Bush re-elected, gained seats for Republicans in both houses of Congress in 2002 and 2004, and may have guaranteed us two or three Bush-appointed Supreme Court Justices. And he has done all this under the clever guise of a socialist bombthrower.

And now, Michael Moore has promised us yet another round of Democratic losses on the road to the magic number of "60." The man must be on a jihad against filibusters. (Hat tip: Q&O; Blog, via Etherhouse.)

His followup to the blockbuster Republican powerhouse Fahrenheit 9/11 is sure to motivate even more GOP voters to get to the polls, and to convince wavering Democrats and Independents to swing their states into the Red column.

The only problem, as I see it, is that his proposed title for this sequel is, blandly, Fahrenheit 9/111/2. Surely, this is blatant rip-off of The Naked Gun 21/2: The Smell of Fear, a much less funny film to be sure.

What we need here is a title for this movie that truly illustrates the seriousness of its content. Mr. Moore is such a lard-working hard-working director, he doesn't have time for such trivial details. It's up to us, his devoted conservative base, to put our heads together and rescue this film from the obscurity to which such a predictable name would condemn it.

Also, as I am reminded by Etherhouse:

Mikey, dude, wasn't your next movie going to ream Bush's faithful poodle, Tony Blair? Do you not remember telling Reuters, "Blair knows better. Blair is not an idiot. What is he doing hanging around this guy?"

The British election is looming ever closer. You've never let us down before, Mikey. Better get cracking!

The EtherPundit who resides therein suggests: ""Tony B-LIAR, Prime MONSTER of Great BOUGHT 'N' paid-for."

So, we have our work cut out for us here. We need to name not only the 9/11 sequel, but the mockumentary about Blair. After all, we want to make sure our faithful poodle Tony is re-elected again as well. And with a stronger coalition in Parliament.

Proposed titles for Michael Moore's new projects:

Come on, people. You can see I need your help here. Do your part to see that the Pudgy Politburo Pundit's new efforts succeed in getting more Democrats on the full-time lecture circuit.


Friday, November 12, 2004

 

Issuing an Arafatwa

A part of the Rebus series

The Saturday Rebus

To mark the passing of one of this century's greatest monsters, I issue the following decree:

Solution next week...

Update: Curmudgeonly & Skeptical has an appropriately respectful post on Arafat's stable condition.

Solution to last week's rebus: "Four more years!"


Monday, November 08, 2004

 

Quoth the Ravin': NeverMoore

The EtherPundit at EtherHouse presents some excellent reasons Michael Moore and his MoveOn Morons should take the plunge. I can't see a single objection they could possibly raise. But it leaves open an important question: how should Michael Moore do the deed?

With that thick hide, it's not that easy. I left behind a few suggestions (reposted here):


 

Plop! Plop! Fizz! Fizz!

Apparently, the government is now tracking sales of over-the-counter medicines that may indicate a flu outbreak. (Link via Drudge.)

I seem to recall hearing back in the Anthrax scare days that such a system was being implemented to determine if a biological weapon is ever released. I don't know if this experiment would help at all if smallpox were ever released somewhere, but tracking sales of antiemetics may help the Feds figure out which cities have Air America affiliates.

To contribute to the effort, I have come up with a new Barf Terror Threat Level system:

This is why John Kerry didn't get elected. He thought we could go back to a time when the runs was a "nuisance."


 

Moore, Moore, Moore! How Do You Like It, How Do You Like It?

The EtherPundit over at Etherhouse makes the case that just the sight of the repulsive gargoyle bookends on either size of Roz Carter's ass cheeks was enough to send 3.5 million extra voters to the Bush side of the ballot last week. It makes sense to me, since it certified that the Democrats were far from denouncing the looniest fringe of their party. In fact, it was a blatant endorsement of the worst anti-American propaganda the kooks could dish out.

Ted Rall would have been there, but he is not as easily recognized as the stupid, white whale. Yasser Arafat would have attended if Israel hadn't confined him to his lair. Darth Vader would have been the guest of honor if he wasn't a fictional character.

But it's funny Carter and Moore would sit together considering their deep disagreement on the legitimacy of the "insurgency" in Iraq:

Michael "Dissent is Patriotic" Moore sez:

"The Iraqis who have risen up against the occupation are not "insurgents" or "terrorists" or "The Enemy." They are the REVOLUTION, the Minutemen, and their numbers will grow -- and they will win."

Whereas Carter of the 52 Hostages sez:

"Well, one parallel is that the Revolutionary War, more than any other war up until recently, has been the most bloody war we‘ve fought.  I think another parallel is that in some ways the Revolutionary War could have been avoided.  It was an unnecessary war."

And this must be George Washington.

Now aside from the debate on how many soldiers and civilians died in the Civil War, the two World Wars, Korea, and Vietnam, versus the battle deaths of the Revolution, these "historians" need to get together and hash out whether the Minutemen in Fallujah are fighting an unnecessary war or not.

And they better hurry. Uh oh, I think it's TOO LATE!!!!!!


Sunday, November 07, 2004

 

With the Proportional Strength of a Spider!

Sorry, but cat blogging is for wusses. Heh.

(Just kidding!!!)

I actually discovered this critter when I walked through a web it had woven from one side of my backyard to the other. From one butterfly bush to another. And my backyard is twenty feet wide.

I have to assume he catches flies just like thieves.


Saturday, November 06, 2004

 

Thank You, America!

A part of the Rebus series

First, as promised, I am working on my Rightwing, Pro-war, Republican, Coalition-of-the-Willing Monsters page. Fair's fair.

But in the meantime, I am kicking off a new weekly series:

The Saturday Rebus

Thank you, America, for this:

Solution next week...


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