Saturday, February 26, 2005
Just Say 'Ugh' and Get Out
The EtherPundit at EtherHouse is, to my relief, defending Ward Churchill's art as original, as well as important. The rare Churchill pieces she has uncovered help preserve the Native American customs of cigar-store Indians, sports team mascots, TV public service announcements, and coinage.
In fact, every one of these subjects is just as authentic to the indigenous culture as Ward Churchill himself.
It was in that same spirit, I'm sure, that Churchill did this masterpiece on the right. It is ink on paper, depicting a brave, second ony to the chief, of a now vanished tribe. One of the few surviving related pieces of writing about this tribe details the interaction of the tribe with the white man:
Where Indian fights are colorful sights
and nobody takes a lickin'
Where pale face and redskin
Both turn chicken.
By total coincidence, this original work bears a striking resemblance to the photo below:
The photo is of another authentic member of the Original People: Don Diamond.
Diamond was born in Brooklyn, New York, on June 4, 1921. His father, who was born in Russia, served in the U.S. Army in the First World War and was awarded the Purple Heart and the Silver Star medals. His mother was born in New Jersey. As a teenager she won the New Jersey Typewriter Championship. They were excellent Parents who encouraged their son to earn some money selling soda pop at the local ballpark, mowing lawns and shoveling snow.
Bob Don was more famous for his role as Crazy Cat in F-Troop, yet another piece in the vast tapestry that is authentic American Indian culture.
Correction: Oops; called him Bob. The Bob Diamond tale is a Brooklyn story for another day.
Update: Another piece of Ward's non-plagiarism uncovered:
Sure, it's fake; but it's accurate.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Condi Rice: Dominatrix!
Hey, it's not MY idea!
Blame the Washington Post, the same outfit that wasted ink on criticizing Dick Cheney's parka.
Now they insist on painting the Secretary of State as some kind of Catwoman:
Rice's coat and boots speak of sex and power -- such a volatile combination, and one that in political circles rarely leads to anything but scandal. When looking at the image of Rice in Wiesbaden, the mind searches for ways to put it all into context. It turns to fiction, to caricature. To shadowy daydreams. Dominatrix! It is as though sex and power can only co-exist in a fantasy. When a woman combines them in the real world, stubborn stereotypes have her power devolving into a form that is purely sexual.
I think they may have hit on something here. What would make our lukewarm allies (all a bunch of perverts any way) want to have summit after summit with our State Department more than a leatherclad domina? They would be eating out of her hands, possibly quite literally. She could be harsh and unyielding, and they would submit like the pathetic worms they are, and keep coming back for more.
Of course, it could have the unfortunate side effect of creating a whole new army of evil geniuses, who threaten to, say, take over England. This was the constant problem on the Avengers: madmen would concoct some crazy scheme that allegedly endangered the western world, but it was all a ruse to get Emma Peel or Cathy Gale to come over and kick their butts with a stiletto heel. Of course, only after being tied up in a kinky catsuit.
Yes, this is brilliant. What better way to advance the Bush administration's goal: World Domination?!
Update: Mistress Malkin has a roundup.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
How Bush Caused the Hurricanes
Part 5 in a series
I would have thought that four years is too short a time for one man to so adversely affect the environment on a world-wide scale. But the wiser heads at MoveOn.org and other sites saw through all the apparent contradictions and pronounced that, indeed, Bush is to blame for last year's "extreme" hurricane season.
Some claimed that this was just a natural consequence of "walking away" from the Kyoto Protocols of the Elders of Anticapitalism. Others insist Bush intentionally caused a series of hurricanes to strike Florida (with pinpoint accuracy!) just before the election to somehow win the state. I guess this would either intimidate voters ("Vote for me or face my holy vengeance!") or by make them so grateful for the handouts after the storm that they would feel compelled to vote Republican.
But once again, nobody is explaining just how Bush does it. How does somebody they call a "chimp," a "drunk," and a "village idiot" pull off these seemingly impossible feats of global destruction?
Well, now it can be revealed:
Update: Here is a more detailed explanation of how a butterfly flapping its wings in the Amazon can lead to hurricanes in Florida.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Eason Down the Road
It's not a funny joke. And it's not meant to be funny either. But it's a joke all the same, told every single day on a cable news network:
You can see this knee-slapper spelled out next week.
Solution to last week’s Rebus:
Don't take any wooden nickels!
(Dante + Kenny + Woody [Allen] E + Dentyne Teen + [Nichelle] Nichols)
Friday, February 11, 2005
How Bush Caused It: Illegal Immigration
Part 4 in a series
In the past four years, the exodus of "huddled masses yearning to breathe free" has grown into a human tsunami washing over the porous U.S. border. And that wave of unwashed, unskilled malcontents brings with it all of the social unrest they believe they are fleeing.
They perceive their home south of the border to be a corrupt police state with a downwardly spiraling economy. They flee north in search of a better health care system, which they end up taxing past its limits. They invade in droves, and when they settle illegally, taking jobs away from the native population, they behave as if they have an inherent birthright to citizenship.
And now that Bush has made it quite clear that he is not serious about increasing border security, these undesirables are sneaking past customs in record numbers, and many of them are terrorist sympathizers! Why doesn't the President put a stop to this?
As you can see from this simple diagram, it's all Bush's fault. And it also explains, to a degree, "why they hate us":
Monday, February 07, 2005
It seems that the Barbra Streisand Brigade is still whining about how they're packing up and leaving because they simply can't stand the democratic process. If they can't even cheat their way into the Presidency, from where they can further destroy our sovereignty with their embrace of the Protocol of the Elders of Kyoto and their precious United Nations and the International Criminal Court and the EU, then they will just pack up their Suburus with "Bushitler" stickers, crank up the NPR and floor it up Highway 99 to Vancouver.
According to the International Herald Tribune:
"We're still not talking about a huge movement of people," said David Cohen, an immigration lawyer in Montreal. "In 2003, the last year where full statistics are available, there were something like 6,000 U.S. citizens who received permanent resident status in Canada. So even if we do go up threefold this year, we're only talking about 18,000 people."
Well, that's really nice to hear since it would probably give us a few extra red states in the midterm elections. It would also reduce traffic by taking a lot of SUVs off the roads. Yes, I know lefties don't own SUVs. Their families own them. This exodus would also reduce graffiti and vandalism, except in Canada, where suddenly every street light is emblazoned with the President sporting devil horns. I hope they can stand such rebellious originality up there.
Hey, all you wanderlusting wankers out there: don't go away mad. Just go away. Your tantrums won't be missed. You're a bunch of spoiled sore losers and your hatred of this country is as transparent as Invisible Girl in Wonder Woman's plane.
Hasta la vista! Sayonara! Aloha (the good-bye version)! Ciao! Buh-bye! Smell ya later!
Oh, and here's a parting message for you:
Note: A thousand pardons for publishing the Saturday Rebus on a Monday. Evil forces (and bathroom renovations) delayed me. Democrats can see the translation of today's rebus next week.
Solution to last weeks Rebus:
Welcome to the Democracy Club!
[Welk + Ummm + Tooth + Idi [Amin] + Ma [Kettle] + Chrissy + Club]
Thursday, February 03, 2005
The Plot Thickens
Etherhouse, among others, has been exposing the truth behind the alleged "toy" soldier held hostage in Iraq. The blogosphere is so full of itself, with no editors, no fact-checkers and NO ACCOUNTABILITY, that it is willing to stoop to the level of making light of the plight of this very real, very brave military man.
Well a memo like this should blow the lid off of your cozy little world, and dissipate your opium haze of superiority over the mainstream media.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Gee, Do You Smell Gunpowder?
I wasn't going to liveblog the State of the Union Address. I feel it's best to leave it to those who do it well, like Powerlineblog. But I just had to remark on this one comment.
I just heard the President giving Iran and Syria what amounted to an ultimatum that we all know they will never submit to.
Oh, my God; the Joint Chiefs of Staff just stood up and are clapping! But... but they never budge! They are like stone gargoyles, sitting stoicly, watching the President, like dogs watching a clumsy man at the barbeque grill. But now they're clapping. If I were an ayatollah, I would be mighty uncomfortable right now.
Bush said something that expanded on his inauguration speech. He sent a message specifically to the dissidents and reformers of Iran, promising to stand with them in their struggle to topple the mad mullahs. This must give these brave souls immense emboldenment. I think the time is almost over for the Iran theocracy.
You hear that, Iran? Get that diaper off your head; you're going to be needing it!
Rummy a Dummy?
Is this a scene from 24? It seems the Secretary of Defense has been kidnapped by terrorists! And Jack Bauer is nowhere to be seen. Who will rescue Donald Rumsfeld?!!!!
Go to Etherhouse for the straight dope!
Update: Finally! Ann Coulter to the rescue: